I’m back

It took me three days to write this post. Three days. And as I write this portion of my blog post, my milk is coming in. Nursing moms know the slight discomfort that causes and how distracting it can be. I was going to shut down my MacBook and start to pump because I am trying to create a larger stash of milk in our freezer for when I return to work but I decided that I needed to post this and I needed to post this today. Lois is napping, something she’s been having a hard time with lately and so the time is now because I would like to see this published before we venture into day # 4. That’s part of the reason I haven’t been active on here for some time. So. much. has. been. going. on.

I have quickly learned that no two days with a baby are the same. These past few weeks, I decided to be fully present to Lo’s needs as she navigated some developmental stages with me. I had to be present for myself as well, after all, we are both in completely new territory together. Thankfully, our baby is pretty zen but there’s been a few nights where she cried more than usual and I had to be empathetic, patient and understanding, qualities that I have taught myself within recent years. That is not how I was raised, we always had so much going on in our family and my parents were always working so having patience was not really on the to-do list – so I am treating her exactly how I wished I had been treated in childhood.

When we arrived home from the hospital, Lois honestly did not need much aside from diaper changes, milk and snuggles. As she has grown during the past two months, however, her needs have of course changed/increased. I find that she gets bored now and that sometimes she gets overstimulated when I try to entertain her. I didn’t even know that was a thing, that infants could absorb so much it overwhelmed them but I’ve thankfully learned (the hard way) about that. Lois fights her naps now as well and takes little cat naps during the day – but! In turn, she sleeps through the night except when she wakes up to nurse, that occurs every two to three hours. People keep asking me when she’ll sleep through the night and I honestly have no clue. As she gains weight, I’m assuming she will go longer between feeds but that time is not now. I don’t concern myself with when she will sleep longer. I have fully accepted that this is where we are at, she needs me every 1 1/2 to 2 to 3 hours for nourishment and that is what my body is here for right now. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few times where I have been nursing her while pumping at the same time, while also talking on the telephone or during cluster feeding sessions where I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. Where I looked at James, sitting all relaxed in his recliner and I felt a little sorry for myself but I quickly rid myself of those thoughts. I think those thoughts can sneakily become more prevalent if you don’t watch out for them and process them. Maybe I am overthinking it but I don’t focus on what I “can’t” do now that she is here because everything is temporary and I refuse to spend my time with her focusing on how I don’t get any sleep anymore or how I don’t see my friends or how my finances have changed – I have time to restructure those aspects of my life. I will never, ever get this time with her back and so my priority now is to be with her, focus on her and grow with her.

The reality is, I can do anything and everything I did before Lo joined our world; it just takes longer, it takes more effort and I have to strategically plan everything I do. Gone are the “I’ll fold the laundry later” days and the “sure, I’ll spend Sunday cuddling with James” days. I have a short window of time where I can execute certain tasks so they get done when/if she naps. If naps are not a part of her plan for the day, we complete chores together using her Ergobaby carrier. I thank God for her Ergobaby carrier because she has also gone through a few phases where I simply could not put her down without her getting upset. The Ergobaby is honestly the only reason our laundry is done and dinner is on the table when James comes home. If you’re an expectant mom, buy one! A baby carrier essentially makes you feel like you’re pregnant all over again because you have to move slower and bend at the knees but it beats having a really messy house and a pile of laundry on the floor.

Amidst all of these developments, we’ve also been looking at a new house. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’ve moved every three years of my life since I was a child so this process has been intimidating for me. Moving is not as exciting to me, as it is most people and if you have ever moved around a lot, I’m sure you can relate. The housing market here in Buffalo is also super competitive but James seems to have it under control. I’ll update you more about that as we move along, I’m ultimately just thankful it’s an option!

Essentially, a lot is going on and my mind is a little all over the place but I am working hard to establish a daily routine. Routines are vital for/with children and I do not think it is every too early to establish one. I’d like for Lois to feel like I am reliable and I want her to know what she can expect from me. Something as simple as establishing a morning routine fosters a sense of comfort in children. Right now, our morning routine usually begins at 6AM, we nurse, snuggle, change her diaper and then she oftentimes naps for about 15 minutes, I brew coffee (decaf hah), complete some chores and then she is awake usually until mid-afternoon. I make sure to interact with her a lot. I sing songs, I explain to her what I am doing, I take her with me whenever I can. She’s my little partner. I interact with her and tell her about the silliest things because to her, they’re not silly, they’re sometimes first-time experiences and whenever I do talk with her, our relationship develops right along with her future language skills. This is something simple I’ve had to work on because talking with a baby does not come natural to me. In fact, I was having trouble remembering any nursery songs from my childhood in the beginning so all I sang to her were the ABC’s, which felt slightly embarrassing. Now we sing other songs, thanks to our family teaching me some and YouTube was pretty helpful too.

I would like to wear many hats with her – I want to be her mom before anything else but I also want her to see me in roles beyond that. As society has shifted, I feel like my generation was raised with two extremes; either stay-at-home-moms or moms that were so far removed from the home because of work. While I’d do great as a SAHM, I do have obligations that will periodically remove me from our home so I have to take those obligations seriously and make the time I spend away from Lo a sound investment. I have to make it count. I don’t feel ready to leave her at all but like many young moms today, I have to.

To be continued…

The Aftermath

LoAs many of you may have gathered, my pregnancy and our birth both progressed seamlessly. I had no complications whatsoever. With the lack of complications, I approached the thought of my postpartum life nonchalantly. I told myself that worrying about the weeks after delivering Lois would be counterproductive because our baby could have any temperament under the sun and I couldn’t prepare for her needs without her actually being with us. I told myself to take it day-by-day which is an attitude I normally do not have in my day-to-day life but as it regarded our daughter, I didn’t want to needlessly stress.

This is a thought process I now regret.

I made the mistake that many moms tend to make throughout their journey of motherhood; I focused entirely on the needs of my little one and my partner without considering myself or my own emotional/physical needs.

In the weeks leading up to the arrival of Lois, I envisioned protecting my partner’s sleep cycle, I planned how I’d react to Lois crying extensively (thankfully, she never has) and I coached myself through the thought of her experiencing any complications from her birth. I envisioned what I’d do if she was sick and how I’d approach nighttime feedings. I planned how I’d tackle laundry during maternity leave and how I’d keep the house. Not once – not a single time – did I sit down and ask myself, “what will you do, if you don’t feel 100%? How will you take care of yourself?” I had reserved myself to the fact that I would feel 100%. I had never given thought to anything else.

The same night I gave birth to Lois, I watched my body in the mirror of our hospital room bathroom. I stood there in that infamous mesh underwear, my legs wobbly, my skin covered in stretch marks so deep, tired to my bones. I think I had been awake for 28 hours then (minus my 30 minute nap) and I wasn’t thinking straight.

But guess what? I felt good. I wasn’t in pain. I was just ready to leap into motherhood. This thought process continued while I was in the hospital.

What I did not realize – and what I wish I had paid attention to then – is that when you’re in the hospital, things are really busy. Nurses check on you constantly, food gets delivered to your room, guests are walking in and out of your room to greet your baby, tests are being run, your phone is lighting up with congratulatory texts and if you have happen to any questions about anything, your nurse is on speed dial.

All of this offered me a lot of security, something I did not realize until that security was removed.

The night we returned home with Lois, reality hit me smack dab in the face. My milk had yet to come in and I wasn’t nursing. When we put her car seat down, she woke up and I realized I could no longer feed her using the SNS system. I had no breastmilk to give her so I had to use the pre-made formula bottles that the hospital gave us. I cried for the first time that night. I felt so bad giving her that formula and I just started pumping like a maniac. My milk soon came in but as Lois wouldn’t latch, I gave it to her by bottle. This was something that really messed with me.

Never once had I pictured myself formula feeding or bottle feeding our baby. I cried so much over that.

In fact, I cried over everything. I was petrified. I actually asked myself if I had made a mistake thinking I was ready to be a mom. I thought I didn’t know how to take care of her. I felt like I had no clue about anything. I was certain I was headed for Postpartum Depression.

I cried in the morning, I cried at night. I felt completely exposed. I also felt like a fraud. Here I had been so happy during my pregnancy and now my baby was here and I was questioning my own capabilities.

Looking back on it, hormones played a huge part in why I went through this. I don’t think women talk about the hormonal shifts after birth enough. I know it was hormonal because about 5 days after returning home, I woke up and felt completely different.

The sun was shining that morning and suddenly, I felt confident and so in love with our daughter. I felt silly for ever having questioned myself. It was like I just “snapped” out of it.

I looked at her and felt so ridiculous for ever having questioned myself or our ability to grow together. I’ve cried twice since that day.

All of this happened 20+ days ago. It literally feels like it all happened in a different lifetime.

No one tells you that after birth, you may not feel this deep love for your child immediately. No one tells you that your uterus continues to contract for days, especially when you breastfeed or pump and that it is actually incredibly painful. No one tells you what lochia is and how it’s not very pleasant at all. No one tells you that your baby may not latch and that breastfeeding can be incredibly complicated. No one tells you about the deafening silence you’ll experience during nighttime feedings when it’s just you and your baby. No one tells you how lonely that silence can feel. No one tells you about the fear or self doubt, how your own childhood will run on your mind on loop. How some of your deepest insecurities can creep to the surface and become really loud. No one tells you how differently you’ll look at the father of your child in the beginning, how suddenly you’ll feel like you rely on him so much more, even though he physically can’t do very much in the beginning. He can hold your child and change their diaper and he can comfort you but your baby will be on you, she literally physically needs you for survival. It’s just different when they’re so little. So I am here to tell you about all of the above.

I can confidently say that if I did not have a good support network, I would have faced a much harder time than I did.

I had loved ones who showed me how to change a diaper. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law brought us food and showed us continued encouragement. My mother picked up the phone and assured me I was doing okay. My sister stopped by our house to check on us. My friends encouraged me. And my employer and colleagues took the time to wish us well. I had an entire network of people who kept my feet on the ground. I have 12 weeks of maternity leave to get situated.

So many women don’t have that. And yes, the thought of that has actually made me cry too.

This is the most sensitive time in my life. I remember everything from this past month; from scents to what people have told me, to how I’ve felt. This is such a vivid experience for me. And I can’t imagine going through this without support and encouragement. The thought alone scares me.

My biggest piece of advice for the “aftermath” of birth involves self-care. Talk to yourself. Prepare yourself for the emotions, the vividness of it all. Be kind to yourself. Worry about yourself. Pick up the phone when you don’t feel good. Go outside, feel the fresh air, take a break. Give yourself a break. Prepare for life after pregnancy, give it some thought.

I did not go down this rabbit hole to the extent that Lois’ care was negatively impacted. I was still present with her, we still thrived together. Just not as much as we are now and I think that could’ve been avoided had I prepared myself better. I hope by reading this, some of you will feel more prepared, more understood and/or less afraid.

I’m so thrilled and thankful to be a mother and our journey has just begun. Thank you for being a part of it.


Our Birth Story

43249602_10217713742626224_2782410484433813504_nWhen I discovered that I was pregnant with Lois, I immediately knew that I wanted to carry her with purpose during the months that she was in my womb. My purpose as a mom-to-be was very simple; to protect her by remaining calm and at ease. That was the only thing I planned for with my pregnancy, in part because it was the primary thing I knew that I’d be able to control. I knew once she left my womb, I wouldn’t be able to protect her in the same way so I promised us both that while she was all mine, protected by my womb, I’d offer her the best environment that I could in my physical body.

Some of you may roll your eyes at this but I, myself, was born under fairly chaotic circumstances. I joined the world three months premature and so one of my primary goals was also to carry Lo to fullterm. I’m happy to say that we succeeded in that as well.

Lois James joined our world almost a month ago and I oftentimes feel like I spoke life to her. It sounds melodramatic but when I envisioned our daughter during our pregnancy, Lois is exactly what I had in mind, from her calm demeanor right down to her blonde hair and blue eyes.

My water broke shortly after midnight on September 22. I was asleep in bed with a towel underneath me (I hated sleeping with that towel but I highly recommend it now) and I felt liquid exit out of me. Confused, I said to myself, “my water just broke or I just peed myself,” both of which were very real options at 40 weeks pregnant. I rose out of bed, wrapped the towel around me and rushed to the bathroom where water gushed from me to the toilet. It hit me then that I was in labor. I smiled and laughed. I had waited for that moment my entire life and here it was. I was finally going to be a mom.

I woke up James, who was confused. I said, “my water just broke” and he said “huh?” I still laugh at that. I suddenly felt really nervous and I channeled those nerves into showering, starting the dishwasher, wiping down our countertops and gathering our hospital bags and belongings. By 1AM, we were ready to go.

We stopped at McDonald’s on the way. Which in hindsight, was an insane thing to do but I was starving and where else were we supposed to stop for food at that hour? I devoured a Big Mac and fries, something a few people told me I’d regret – more about that later.

When we arrived to Millard Fillmore, the receptionist asked if my water had broken. Turns out, a lot of babies were being born that night. There was no delivery room available for us so the nurses placed us in a secluded, private room and that’s when my contractions started coming.

I am going to be honest with you – when the contractions started, I felt a little smug. I breathed through them, thinking that the pain wasn’t that bad. I even slept for about 30 minutes while we waited to be placed in a private room.

When we arrived to our private room, I was soon given pitocin to speed along my contractions. This is something I did not necessarily want but the medical staff and my sweet nurse recommended it so I decided to listen and they began upping my pitocin levels gradually thereafter.

Let me tell you… After that, the real contractions started. James had left our hospital room to go eat. It was 2PM in the afternoon at this point and his sister and mother were visiting us. While they were there and James was out of the room, I put on a brave face. I kept telling myself that I only had to breathe through 60 seconds of pain and I kept bouncing on my medical ball in an attempt to distract myself from the pain. I kept my composure right until James walked back into the room. That’s when I couldn’t keep a brave face anymore.

In hindsight, the pain was not that bad. I know that every mom says that the pain is forgettable and I always thought that wasn’t true but it is. I had originally also been afraid to get an epidural but James talked some sense into me when he said, “why make giving birth a painful experience for you? Why not enjoy it as much as possible?” and he was right.

Once my epidural was administered, it took about 20 minutes for it to kick in. I went from being tensed up and wincing to talking and laughing a little. I felt a lot better and I’m so thankful I chose to get it. I know a lot of women worry about the potential side effects and the longer recovery periods that sometimes come with getting an epidural but I am happy to say that the only side effect I had was some nerve spasms a few days after. Those have since disappeared.

Shortly after my epidural took place, I was dilated and I was able to start pushing. James grabbed my leg and our nurse grabbed my other leg. I pushed for 20-30 minutes and out came Lois James at 5:01PM. She weighed 7 lbs 8oz and measured 20 inches in length. When they placed her on my chest, I briefly cried and then I just felt disbelief. We had a child. How did that happen? I know that we had nine months to prepare for that moment but it just did not feel real. It still doesn’t feel real when I look at her sometimes. She’s ours. We made her.

Our birth story is simple and that was my exact goal the second I realized we were expecting. Our Aunt Maria was our doctor and she delivered Lois, who was named after her Great-great Grandma and her Great Grandfather, Grandfather and Father. It did not register with me at the time but the first person to touch Lois was Aunt Maria, someone who already loved her. That alone was and is amazing.

My body responded so well to childbirth too. I had been nervous about pooping out my McDonald’s while I pushed but I didn’t. I was also really worried about tearing but that didn’t happen either. Thank you, God. I don’t know how anyone survives a perenial tear but I salute the women who have. I didn’t need to take sitz baths or sit on special pillows. I used ice-packs the first night in the hospital and that was that. Oh and the mesh underwear… The mesh underwear is EVERYTHING! They were my # 1 item for postpartum care.

I know I’m incredibly lucky. I had a supportive partner, family and medical staff and they all lovingly contributed to our daughter entering the world, healthy and happy.

My experience postpartum was not without complications but I will write more about that later… For now, I’m just grateful that Lois joined us the way that I had hoped. She followed my birth plan to the T. My plan was just to be calm and present and she exhibited those qualities too. I’m so proud of her and so thankful.