I’m back

It took me three days to write this post. Three days. And as I write this portion of my blog post, my milk is coming in. Nursing moms know the slight discomfort that causes and how distracting it can be. I was going to shut down my MacBook and start to pump because I am trying to create a larger stash of milk in our freezer for when I return to work but I decided that I needed to post this and I needed to post this today. Lois is napping, something she’s been having a hard time with lately and so the time is now because I would like to see this published before we venture into day # 4. That’s part of the reason I haven’t been active on here for some time. So. much. has. been. going. on.

I have quickly learned that no two days with a baby are the same. These past few weeks, I decided to be fully present to Lo’s needs as she navigated some developmental stages with me. I had to be present for myself as well, after all, we are both in completely new territory together. Thankfully, our baby is pretty zen but there’s been a few nights where she cried more than usual and I had to be empathetic, patient and understanding, qualities that I have taught myself within recent years. That is not how I was raised, we always had so much going on in our family and my parents were always working so having patience was not really on the to-do list – so I am treating her exactly how I wished I had been treated in childhood.

When we arrived home from the hospital, Lois honestly did not need much aside from diaper changes, milk and snuggles. As she has grown during the past two months, however, her needs have of course changed/increased. I find that she gets bored now and that sometimes she gets overstimulated when I try to entertain her. I didn’t even know that was a thing, that infants could absorb so much it overwhelmed them but I’ve thankfully learned (the hard way) about that. Lois fights her naps now as well and takes little cat naps during the day – but! In turn, she sleeps through the night except when she wakes up to nurse, that occurs every two to three hours. People keep asking me when she’ll sleep through the night and I honestly have no clue. As she gains weight, I’m assuming she will go longer between feeds but that time is not now. I don’t concern myself with when she will sleep longer. I have fully accepted that this is where we are at, she needs me every 1 1/2 to 2 to 3 hours for nourishment and that is what my body is here for right now. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few times where I have been nursing her while pumping at the same time, while also talking on the telephone or during cluster feeding sessions where I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. Where I looked at James, sitting all relaxed in his recliner and I felt a little sorry for myself but I quickly rid myself of those thoughts. I think those thoughts can sneakily become more prevalent if you don’t watch out for them and process them. Maybe I am overthinking it but I don’t focus on what I “can’t” do now that she is here because everything is temporary and I refuse to spend my time with her focusing on how I don’t get any sleep anymore or how I don’t see my friends or how my finances have changed – I have time to restructure those aspects of my life. I will never, ever get this time with her back and so my priority now is to be with her, focus on her and grow with her.

The reality is, I can do anything and everything I did before Lo joined our world; it just takes longer, it takes more effort and I have to strategically plan everything I do. Gone are the “I’ll fold the laundry later” days and the “sure, I’ll spend Sunday cuddling with James” days. I have a short window of time where I can execute certain tasks so they get done when/if she naps. If naps are not a part of her plan for the day, we complete chores together using her Ergobaby carrier. I thank God for her Ergobaby carrier because she has also gone through a few phases where I simply could not put her down without her getting upset. The Ergobaby is honestly the only reason our laundry is done and dinner is on the table when James comes home. If you’re an expectant mom, buy one! A baby carrier essentially makes you feel like you’re pregnant all over again because you have to move slower and bend at the knees but it beats having a really messy house and a pile of laundry on the floor.

Amidst all of these developments, we’ve also been looking at a new house. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’ve moved every three years of my life since I was a child so this process has been intimidating for me. Moving is not as exciting to me, as it is most people and if you have ever moved around a lot, I’m sure you can relate. The housing market here in Buffalo is also super competitive but James seems to have it under control. I’ll update you more about that as we move along, I’m ultimately just thankful it’s an option!

Essentially, a lot is going on and my mind is a little all over the place but I am working hard to establish a daily routine. Routines are vital for/with children and I do not think it is every too early to establish one. I’d like for Lois to feel like I am reliable and I want her to know what she can expect from me. Something as simple as establishing a morning routine fosters a sense of comfort in children. Right now, our morning routine usually begins at 6AM, we nurse, snuggle, change her diaper and then she oftentimes naps for about 15 minutes, I brew coffee (decaf hah), complete some chores and then she is awake usually until mid-afternoon. I make sure to interact with her a lot. I sing songs, I explain to her what I am doing, I take her with me whenever I can. She’s my little partner. I interact with her and tell her about the silliest things because to her, they’re not silly, they’re sometimes first-time experiences and whenever I do talk with her, our relationship develops right along with her future language skills. This is something simple I’ve had to work on because talking with a baby does not come natural to me. In fact, I was having trouble remembering any nursery songs from my childhood in the beginning so all I sang to her were the ABC’s, which felt slightly embarrassing. Now we sing other songs, thanks to our family teaching me some and YouTube was pretty helpful too.

I would like to wear many hats with her – I want to be her mom before anything else but I also want her to see me in roles beyond that. As society has shifted, I feel like my generation was raised with two extremes; either stay-at-home-moms or moms that were so far removed from the home because of work. While I’d do great as a SAHM, I do have obligations that will periodically remove me from our home so I have to take those obligations seriously and make the time I spend away from Lo a sound investment. I have to make it count. I don’t feel ready to leave her at all but like many young moms today, I have to.

To be continued…